Little Black Book

Sleepless at 3a.m talking to myself

2008-10-15T12:08:00.000-07:00

Was really exhausted that I fell asleep earlier in the evening. After waking up now I cannot even close my eyes to rest. Sickening.

Hate it when I am awake and there's like little to do. And when these moments dawn on me, usually alcohol is my solution but I AM ON A DIET! *Argh pulls hair*

Maybe I should just tell a story.

No inspiration to do so after pausing my typing for a while.

I have something exciting coming my way, I think. I not sure if it will happen. It was silly to be so impulsive last Friday. We were both quite tipsy, karaoking with our friends. We went to the ladies to make out and we decided we wanted a baby. As in we have talked and thought about it, we want it but finances wise is an issue. But that night, we didn't care much (obviously? who cares about anything when they are drunk?). And since then we have been talking more to the imaginary baby (erm... yah we done that previously even though definitely nothing will be growing in my body). I have no idea how we will manage if it comes true. But I am sure we will keep it. Want and can have it is so different but he said he got solutions to the finances.

Maternal and paternal instincts running wild. Just hope he is really ready and not just saying it.

The pain of loss

2008-10-07T09:40:00.000-07:00

Who has the right to make the decision of life and death of another? Who has the right to decide if one will be happy to be alive ... or dead? Why does life always twist and turn to put one in a position to live with regret for the rest of their lives?

Perhaps not many has been through the pain of having to tear on the operating table. Nor the many nights of waking up to dreams of cries of the unborn child. That day is one day that I am never capable of perfectly remembering. Because I was not even conscious when my poor child was stolen from knowing this world. And my poor child did not even know how much I wanted to bring him to this world to shower him with my love.

I remember how much his daddy hurt me. It wasn't the first love R who is the daddy. It was another passerby in life that I chose to believe in. To believe will change but never did. Someone I thought I loved but in fact I just wanted to prove the world wrong by standing by him. The whole world chose to disbelieve in him and yet I did. In the most foolish way. I even had the thought of enduring being married to him because of the unborn child, but my parents didn't wish for me to suffer with him for the rest of my life just because I am pregnant with his baby.

I wanted to run away with you, my precious. But I loved my parents as well and I know if I did, they will be so heartbroken.

I wanted so much to have you on my own, but I couldn't. I loved you even when you were just a few cells old. I talked to you to tell you how much I didn't want to lose you. I cried as the day approached. I asked the doctor if it would hurt. Because if it hurt physically, it could at least take away the guilt in my heart.

That last journey we took together to the hospital. The walk we had to the operating room. The moment just before they gave me the jab, before I went to sleep. All I could think of was you. How much I wanted to spend the rest of my life loving you. How much it hurts inside to have to lose you. The doctor asked if I was feeling unwell, because I was crying so hard. My robe was wet from my tears, tears of my soul being torn apart for just being alive ... when I was about to let you face death alone.

The next thing I knew when I came round was. I felt no pain. Why? Why is it that I have no pain at all? For being a murderer. For taking my own child away. For being so cruel to a innocent little soul who was miraculously given to me by God. I don't think my heart ever stopped crying for you.

It has been so long. 4 years ago. You would be three this year if I hadn't made that decision. Everytime I look at a child I wonder if you will be like him. Sorry mummy wasn't brave. Sorry that mummy didn't give you a chance. Sorry mummy is so cruel to take you away.

I never forgave myself.

I don't think I ever will.

Never thought I am worthy

2008-10-06T10:08:00.001-07:00

Have you ever been in love? With someone who is as in love with you?
I have been. Almost a decade ago. In year 1999. When I was just 17. Opps did I just reveal my age? Damn.

Ever since I lost that love of my life, I have been trying to drown myself in all sorts carnality. Say it and I have done it. Be it sleeping around, drunk almost half the time, using alternative medication to bring myself into a virtual world. I was literally throwing my life away. Hey wait. Haven't I been doing that all the time? LOL

Nonetheless. I wished I can believe I am that fortunate to be in love again. I just keep throwing that same stunt. Throwing my life away.

I think my guy has been through the worst of all relationships. I have been through the worst depressions and mood swings in our beginnings and even till recently I have been paranoid. Even though it's milder than before. But still I think he had suffered a lot for my sake and it hurts to see him go through all that for me. Even though he said he don't mind. And that he loves me so the pain so worth it. How sweet. Really I never thought I will have another guy love me the way R did. R was the love of my life. The one who would have died for me, who would have given up everything for me like the movie "Crazy & Beautiful", the pilot Nunez who would give up everything for Kirsten Dunst the lead actress. I guess I am blessed to have loved and been loved back the same way. Without regrets.

Some people go through life without knowing true love. But me? A wretch. I have been so 幸福 to have true love twice in my life. And I will cherish this love. Not like how I threw away the previous. Because this one is even more precious than the previous. He gave up his whole life in another country to just be with me.

Apprehensive

2008-08-28T01:10:00.000-07:00

I remember how I always get that 期待 feeling and yet not being nervous about it. In fact, I think I am a rare species in the aspect of anxiety. I don't really have butterflies in my stomach often be it how major that akan datang is.

I am about to start a completely new job next Monday. Something that's got nothing to do with my previous jobs and area of expertise, and I am so excited about it ( even though I don't look it). Having worked in major MNC-s before this, being in an SME is really going to be different and I can foresee heavier workload that comes together with the totally new learning experiences. I am more that prepared other than the fact I may fail to wake up in time due to my night owl bio clock now.

I have another bigger problem to worry about. My intellect. It seems to be depreciating with the lack of usage in the last two to three months. I find it harder to conjure up my sentences in conversations (not that I am incoherent it's just more tedious to find the right words). I tried doing Sudoku to get my brains moving slightly and I get stuck at the first one I attempted. I was playing words challenge in facebook and I seem to miss out on the simplest words. It kinda worries me now that I am older maybe I cannot think as fast anymore.

Anyone else who is as young as me having such issues? Modern day issues my friend said she has them long ago. The inability to link that brain to mouth or to fully utlise what the brain is really capable of. Just like in Heroes the geneticist Mohinder Suresh says that humans only uses 10% of what we are able to, the rest of is locked up however some are born to be capable of using that other parts. I wished I had some psychic powers or supernatural sort of thing so I won't feel so lousy now. I sound like Sylar now.

I deterred. But what I am trying to say is I am slowly becoming s-t-u-p-i-d =(

Virgin ramblings

2008-08-27T12:27:00.000-07:00

I have this sudden urge to start a anonymous blog for whatsoever reason behind I have no inkling. A propelling force popped that thought into my mind and here it is. My Little Black Book.

My little space for me to write about how I found myself to be where I am. And the little things perhaps no one close to me even know about me. Or sometimes I even forget them myself so I don't feel so tired.

Once in a while, I look back and wonder how 26 years can be such a arduous journey. Oh well not really 26 years, you don't really go through much in life when you are crawling around on the floor asking for attention.

Once I get a little indication of where to start I will write more. But for now I will pen off to get a tad of sleep, if I can.